Recovery, Change and Support Networks: Watch Your Inner Circle

Changing your habits, lifestyle, social circles and the rest is difficult enough when you lack a supportive personal network to help you through rough patches. It’s even more trying when people in your support network secretly undermine your recovery efforts. You could never imagine your bestie who say’s reach for the stars in one hand and, also becomes silent at your small wins in their hidden hand.

“It’s the moment your soul stirs and rises to embrace higher aspects of self and shake off the chains of addiction, these ride-or-dies start flaking off like an overdue scab.”

When it comes to envious spirits, haters, people who only want to see you at your limited level or cannot accept the transformations you’ve made in your life, they are generally those in your personal circle. This can include family, best friends, partners, or people who you identify as interpersonal supports in your life. It’s disheartening to watch people fade and slip from your life as you emerge from recovery. For example, your old druggie posse is familiar with your addictive personality. It comforts them to know they are not alone on their substance abuse path and as long as you vibrate on their level it’s all gravy. It’s the moment your soul stirs and rises to embrace higher aspects of self and shake off the chains of addiction, these ride-or-dies start flaking off like an overdue scab.

You could always argue, “sure, changing your social circle to reflect your new lifestyle is common sense, but what about family and close friends who never did the _________ (insert addiction) with me; why are they suddenly changing script? A simple answer would be relationships become uncomfortable because you’re no longer vibrating at the same frequency as before. To expand on that thought, sometimes you are not really dealing with friends or family at all, but with agents whose sole purpose is to distract you off your spiritual path by masking themselves as your friend or family member. We are in a spiritual warfare, and those who’ve come to this earth project with a high vibratory divine plan are targeted. Conjure Queen speaks about this on her YouTube, (see links below) and it’s a topic worthy of it’s own blog topic.

When it comes to family members who seem unsupportive of you as you become sober, you must keep in mind you are not a “blameless victim” who is being dealt a cold shoulder for nothing. Whatever role you played in the dysfunction is part of your accountability and something to be mindful of.

A more complex approach with family is identifying family dynamics during an addictive phase and how the family system itself tried to maintain homeostasis while in an unbalanced state.

“In some family dynamics, being addicted helps to offshoot other issues in the family complex and when the individual is no longer addicted, the initial problem the addiction suppressed comes into full-view.”

What does this mean? Virginia Satir, a famous family therapist who is noted for her work in family systems, sees families with an addict/drug abuse cycle often work to compensate whomever is addicted in the family. She identifies different family roles and how they respond or lack thereof to a family member who is addicted. In some family dynamics, being addicted helps to offshoot other issues in the family complex and when the individual is no longer addicted, the initial problem the addiction suppressed comes into full-view. Other family dynamics may tip-toe around the problem, or pointedly address the issue on a daily basis like nagging the person to get fixed. Each family is different, but it does help to understand the familial dynamic while you were addicted to understand present resentments when you become sober.

What most people do not understand is when someone in the family does enter into full recovery, the old dynamics/roles no longer fit; depending on the situation, this may even upset family members who were used to you as the fuck-up or even scapegoat of the family. Equally upsetting are co-dependent relationships you no longer identify with. Moreso, you may have been such an unbearable person during your addiction, changing your life 360 is still not enough to convince people you have changed. They may want your soul in exchange to guarantee you will not become that unbearable person again (eye wink).

“Guilt and shame beget guilt and shame. So, if you continue to vibrate guilt and shame, you will only further magnetize situations persecuting you for all your past wrong-doings ad nauseum.”

When faced in the wake interpersonal messiness after recovery, the first thing to work out is taking accountability for your behaviours, actions and shit you did while fucked up. Communicating with people honestly is the first step but preliminary work involves forgiving yourself. Guilt and shame beget guilt and shame. So, if you continue to vibrate guilt and shame, you will only further magnetize situations persecuting you for all your past wrong-doings ad nauseum. AA calls this making amends. These days we call that an apology tour but you earnestly mean it with every fiber of your being.

But what about friends? People who have been with you through thick and thin, not part of your family dynamic or directly related with your other addictive circles. These relationships are interesting, as they can either be authentically supportive of your recovery goals or secretly wish for your downfall and are envious of your progress. And perhaps this dynamic has always been there and you didn’t listen to your spirit while preoccupied with addiction, but now you are clear minded and are using your third eye to know; circumstances shift quickly.

“ Learn to discern your circle and override your logical mind”

 To reiterate, sometimes people cannot handle your all-encompassing change. It may frighten them to reflect on their own lives. It may be they are envious of your progress or see your potential as a threatening possibility to level up beyond them. Cassandra Mack talks about this topic succinctly in her podcasts; although she’s coming at it from a Christian context, it’s really applicable to any situation where one levels up in changing their lives and others in their circle are unsupportive. 

So, what to do? Keep the change moving. Mack describes this as “changing your circle with grace and putting people in their appropriate lanes”, meaning, those you know who do not have your best interest in heart, move them to the peripheral of your circle, to acquaintance level and slowly start weeding them out. If you can, cut the weeds where possible, especially if they are envious of you, because they may be sabotaging your recovery with their low-vibrational spirit. If you’re in a situation where it’s family members you cannot cut off like that, start distancing yourself from their toxicity as best as you can. This may need to be on a purely mental & emotional level for some time until situations shift themselves.

“Parting ways may sting but prolonging toxic ties form deeper scars.”

We are sometimes so scared of being alone or shrinking our circles based on the fear of being alone, we continue to keep unsavory individuals in our lives. Conjure Queen poignantly says “stop holding space for fake friends and frenemies in your life, especially if you know you need to let them go”. The best advice here is to learn to discern more of your relationships and take heed to what your spirit and newly attuned vibration is telling you.

Parting ways may sting but prolonging toxic ties form deeper scars. Ask your spirit for discernment, be willing to listen to the answer and be brave enough to act upon it.

References

Cassandra Mack

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRrkfhjqOco

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ak9ZAd7OQ7k

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QkTJYPwFug

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwTjwyt7enU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Df440ZVciSA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiMWtsoJeuY

Virginia Satir

https://sourcesofinsight.com/satir-categories/

https://www.thecenterforgrowth.com/tips/family-roles-in-the-addictive-system

https://mantracare.org/therapy/therapy-types/satir-model-therapy/

Conjure Queen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbJ41xvGuws

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBng3SfgM_Y

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hrA6Svn-XE

What Now!? Changing the Soundtrack to your Life

You’ve ended one of your closest relationships. The ups and downs, thrills and dumps have come to a full circle now you look back retrospective, catching all the Easter eggs you’ve missed along the way. You feel triumph. The horns are blaring on the loudspeakers of your life’s soundtrack; “you’ve overcame, you did it”. Within the choir’s jubilation cheerleading for your success, you cannot help but feel a tinge of sadness.  

You follow the path of sadness to find it’s source and you see a large outcropping, deserted with lost hopes, dreams, whims and musings. You sense this is the place where you buried all your aspirations and unfinished projects. You watched 2-story buildings of fleeting thoughts erect and fall in an endless cycle of procrastination. You gasp, as the slug of past creativity moves snail pace across the darkened landscape of your innermost mind.

“….It’s time to compose a new soundtrack to your life”

No one told you in recovery your sense of purpose would be questioned. Maybe they did. Maybe you were so happy to finally get off the wagon you filed that conversation away for “later”. After years of wondering through life fucked up, buzzed, lit, hazed, tipsy, off-kilter, your most sober moments are now being confronted with all the shit you never got done, lost opportunities sunken beneath your unmarketable portfolio, and you feel defeated. Before, this type of introspection may have had you reaching for the next distraction but you know better; it’s time to compose a new soundtrack to your life.

Defeat is only a lesson for you to manage your expectations wisely and review your reconnaissance for a clearer play-by-play of plans in action. Sometimes the forgotten goal list can be recovered, like a hard drive, it can be backed up. Not all is lost. And yes, some things on that goal list, those missed opportunities at that time, in that particular space are gone; those doors closed. And you may have regrets. You may stand at the closed doors of your past desperate for it to open, and you attempt to pry it ever so slightly with guilty thoughts and remorseful tugs but nothing. The ignorance of youth, colorful feelings of novel journeys and heightened moments of the past replay themselves over and over. And the more you rewind, the stronger the sorrow becomes. And the stronger the sorrow, deeper the depression. Cumbersome are the memories that keep you wake at night. You become clocked out. No one is home. Shop closed for good. All lights turned off.

“Do not be tempted by waves of sadness to undo all the progress you’ve made thus far”

This may become your new persona. Becoming a shell of your former light. Ruminating about situations, circumstances and facts you cannot physically change. Allowing your self to sink ever so deeper into disrepair, knowing not even a drink, a smoke or high can bring back all the missed moments at success, prosperity and a fruitful life. It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially if you are in the dark about any life purpose to begin with.

When people hit this stage of recovery, some may succumb to these emotions and get back on the wagon and ride the shit outta it. Why? Because the sheer percentage of loss does not reflect aspirations to create bigger and better next time round’ because they have no vision of that. Do not be tempted by waves of sadness to undo all the progress you’ve made thus far. You can allow those waves of sadness to wash over you, but you do not need to start creating storyboards of perpetual waves crashing you into oblivion until it numbs all common sense out of you.

This is how things spiral and become entities unto themselves. Then you cycle with emotion/feeling/thinking and this entity becomes fed, stronger and now sits above any inkling of dreams you may have for your future because you’ve created it out of your despair. You may have an idea but the thought comes “oh, I can’t do that because ___________” insert a million reasons why something cannot be done and forget about even thinking about the dream.

“..Remorse cannot see the potential of it’s own divinity”

To break this insidious spell, you must be willing to connect with your broken heart and grieve what you have lost. But “permanent grieving equals permanent loss” so you cannot overstay your visit. You must pack your belongings, book your next ticket and bid the house of sadness farewell. Thank them for showing you where your pain was and also highlighting areas you can breathe new energy into. Perhaps with a different vision, some of those so-called unfinished plans are only unfinished because you abandon them.

“ Everything does come together, at one point or another “

Now you can create an inner home and adopt all these orphan ideas and start sifting. You may find some gems here and there but most may no longer align with today’s intentions. And that’s ok. Because re-examination itself sparks the embers of creative essence and manifests fresh ideas, goals and aspirations. Visions you were blinded by when consumed with remorse, and remorse cannot see the potential of its own divinity.

It's time to wake up and smell the bullshit. The bullshit you keep telling yourself and start cleaning. Clear your mind, cleanse your spirit and re-empower yourself to stay awake through these dreadful aspects of recovery. It’s the teeny-tiny steps of appreciating yourself, taking confidence there is a divine purpose and making the behavioural changes to make that shit happen. And if it doesn’t happen exactly as you expected, manage your expectations accordingly but don’t let them override how spirit operates in the background. Everything does come together, at one point or another, just embrace the process and surrender it all to your soul’s wisdom and allow your ego to serve at the feet of your divine and formidable genius. Now that’s the greatest soundtrack to your life.

Life After Substance Abuse

People often think recovery from substance abuse is to simply to stop doing drugs or drinking alcohol and then, like the snap of Thanos fingers your life should miracously fall into line. What people fail to understand is the highjacked brain needs time to re-acclimate to being sober, not to mention the often messy situations left in the wake of a serious drug abuse addiction.

Becoming sober after years of substance abuse may feel like awakening from a long, fuzzy, painful but endearing dream. Sometimes in the wake of what is now reality, the romanticized notion of drugs beckons like an alluring seductress who tempts you with vivid tales of kaleidoscopic highs and promising adventures.

“The memories of the good times is what drives the continued use of substances…”

Letting go of substance abuse is likened to getting out of a bad relationship you knew was toxic but was feeding some inner need you had. The memories of the good times is what drives the contiuned use of substances, although in reality, it’s been a while since you’ve had any good times at all. What seemed like a hoot then, now feels like your soul is buried alive and somehow you are functional enough to merely exist in life by “showing up” to things like school, a job or your marriage.

Addiciton is a wide spectrum and people will experience different recoveries in different stages at different times. So if you know people who are able to party hard and just stop but you party hard even when there is no party; honor they may not have an issue with substances like you do. And that’s fine. Start focusing on what needs to change in YOUR life.

“Energy follows thought”

What’s important to note is, substance abuse doesn’t need to be your death sentence or a running tab of narratives you use to explain away all the stupid shit you did while high (yes, you’ve done some dumb shit). It means taking accountability for your past behaviours but not allowing them to dictate the present for you. It also means you need to stop accepting other peoples expectations and narratives about you, because if you buy into that shit, good luck trying to make any satisfactory changes.

Energy follows thought!

“….People will spend copious amounts of time languishing in guilt, shame and remorse at unhealthy levels”

The only thing left to do is to admit to yourself you’ve fucked up somewhere along the path (and that’s ok). When you admit to yourself the truth about your addiction, you shine a light on the ego and those narrow walls of addiciton begin to implode. It’s also at this delicate stage where the ego is most vulnerable and people will spend copious amounts time languishing in guilt, shame and remorse at unhealthy levels. This cycle of re-victimization only further reinforces addictive behaviours because, the whole reason of using was to numb the throbbing pain buried in the deepest parts of your heart.

Learning to be empowered by moving through those painful yet necessary stages is what makes your transformation all the more impactful. When you can stand on the other side and see, feel, taste, know the difference in your spirit - you hit the sweet spot of your soul.

“Healing without wisdom is like having a band-aid that doesn’t stick”

Actual recovery work can be messy, bring about catharsis and pinpoint painful trauma’s you’ve been trying to minimize. Healing is done in stages, so you can never “get it all” during one time or another. Wisdom gained from one level of healing actually informs subsequent layers of healing. Healing without wisdom is like having a band-aid that doesn’t stick. Sure the wound will eventually heal, but why risk infection, jacked up scarring and other mishaps totally avoidable by intentional and mindful care of self.

Sequences of change unfold perfectly in your life when you ditch the facade and face your shadow head on by being honest with your reflection. People sit in self-help groups all day re-telling their stories over and over again, saying the same sad shit over and over ad nausem.

True transformation is being able to tell your story but no longer identify with it because you’ve evolved beyond that aspect of yourself. Telling your story as a cautionary tale or imparting wisdom from the gems you’ve extracted along the way shows your willingness to embrace your shadow as an integrative process rather than something to get rid of. Unchecked self-help groups feed off the psychic vulnerabilities of trauma. After your story has been validated (everyone deserves their story to be validated) for the experiences and trauma you’ve been through, how many more times do you need it to be validated by repeating the same narrative, with the same emotional vigor and the same fucking people?

It’s time we get out of these sick eurocentric ways of so-called healing and take our soul path seriously by appreciating our journey, doing the necessary work and knowing that there is life after addiction; we just need to write it.