Recovery, Change and Support Networks: Watch Your Inner Circle

Mar 17

Changing your habits, lifestyle, social circles and the rest is difficult enough when you lack a supportive personal network to help you through rough patches. It’s even more trying when people in your support network secretly undermine your recovery efforts. You could never imagine your bestie who say’s reach for the stars in one hand and, also becomes silent at your small wins in their hidden hand.

“It’s the moment your soul stirs and rises to embrace higher aspects of self and shake off the chains of addiction, these ride-or-dies start flaking off like an overdue scab.”

When it comes to envious spirits, haters, people who only want to see you at your limited level or cannot accept the transformations you’ve made in your life, they are generally those in your personal circle. This can include family, best friends, partners, or people who you identify as interpersonal supports in your life. It’s disheartening to watch people fade and slip from your life as you emerge from recovery. For example, your old druggie posse is familiar with your addictive personality. It comforts them to know they are not alone on their substance abuse path and as long as you vibrate on their level it’s all gravy. It’s the moment your soul stirs and rises to embrace higher aspects of self and shake off the chains of addiction, these ride-or-dies start flaking off like an overdue scab.

You could always argue, “sure, changing your social circle to reflect your new lifestyle is common sense, but what about family and close friends who never did the _________ (insert addiction) with me; why are they suddenly changing script? A simple answer would be relationships become uncomfortable because you’re no longer vibrating at the same frequency as before. To expand on that thought, sometimes you are not really dealing with friends or family at all, but with agents whose sole purpose is to distract you off your spiritual path by masking themselves as your friend or family member. We are in a spiritual warfare, and those who’ve come to this earth project with a high vibratory divine plan are targeted. Conjure Queen speaks about this on her YouTube, (see links below) and it’s a topic worthy of it’s own blog topic.

When it comes to family members who seem unsupportive of you as you become sober, you must keep in mind you are not a “blameless victim” who is being dealt a cold shoulder for nothing. Whatever role you played in the dysfunction is part of your accountability and something to be mindful of.

A more complex approach with family is identifying family dynamics during an addictive phase and how the family system itself tried to maintain homeostasis while in an unbalanced state.

“In some family dynamics, being addicted helps to offshoot other issues in the family complex and when the individual is no longer addicted, the initial problem the addiction suppressed comes into full-view.”

What does this mean? Virginia Satir, a famous family therapist who is noted for her work in family systems, sees families with an addict/drug abuse cycle often work to compensate whomever is addicted in the family. She identifies different family roles and how they respond or lack thereof to a family member who is addicted. In some family dynamics, being addicted helps to offshoot other issues in the family complex and when the individual is no longer addicted, the initial problem the addiction suppressed comes into full-view. Other family dynamics may tip-toe around the problem, or pointedly address the issue on a daily basis like nagging the person to get fixed. Each family is different, but it does help to understand the familial dynamic while you were addicted to understand present resentments when you become sober.

What most people do not understand is when someone in the family does enter into full recovery, the old dynamics/roles no longer fit; depending on the situation, this may even upset family members who were used to you as the fuck-up or even scapegoat of the family. Equally upsetting are co-dependent relationships you no longer identify with. Moreso, you may have been such an unbearable person during your addiction, changing your life 360 is still not enough to convince people you have changed. They may want your soul in exchange to guarantee you will not become that unbearable person again (eye wink).

“Guilt and shame beget guilt and shame. So, if you continue to vibrate guilt and shame, you will only further magnetize situations persecuting you for all your past wrong-doings ad nauseum.”

When faced in the wake interpersonal messiness after recovery, the first thing to work out is taking accountability for your behaviours, actions and shit you did while fucked up. Communicating with people honestly is the first step but preliminary work involves forgiving yourself. Guilt and shame beget guilt and shame. So, if you continue to vibrate guilt and shame, you will only further magnetize situations persecuting you for all your past wrong-doings ad nauseum. AA calls this making amends. These days we call that an apology tour but you earnestly mean it with every fiber of your being.

But what about friends? People who have been with you through thick and thin, not part of your family dynamic or directly related with your other addictive circles. These relationships are interesting, as they can either be authentically supportive of your recovery goals or secretly wish for your downfall and are envious of your progress. And perhaps this dynamic has always been there and you didn’t listen to your spirit while preoccupied with addiction, but now you are clear minded and are using your third eye to know; circumstances shift quickly.

“ Learn to discern your circle and override your logical mind”

To reiterate, sometimes people cannot handle your all-encompassing change. It may frighten them to reflect on their own lives. It may be they are envious of your progress or see your potential as a threatening possibility to level up beyond them. Cassandra Mack talks about this topic succinctly in her podcasts; although she’s coming at it from a Christian context, it’s really applicable to any situation where one levels up in changing their lives and others in their circle are unsupportive.

So, what to do? Keep the change moving. Mack describes this as “changing your circle with grace and putting people in their appropriate lanes”, meaning, those you know who do not have your best interest in heart, move them to the peripheral of your circle, to acquaintance level and slowly start weeding them out. If you can, cut the weeds where possible, especially if they are envious of you, because they may be sabotaging your recovery with their low-vibrational spirit. If you’re in a situation where it’s family members you cannot cut off like that, start distancing yourself from their toxicity as best as you can. This may need to be on a purely mental & emotional level for some time until situations shift themselves.

“Parting ways may sting but prolonging toxic ties form deeper scars.”

We are sometimes so scared of being alone or shrinking our circles based on the fear of being alone, we continue to keep unsavory individuals in our lives. Conjure Queen poignantly says “stop holding space for fake friends and frenemies in your life, especially if you know you need to let them go”. The best advice here is to learn to discern more of your relationships and take heed to what your spirit and newly attuned vibration is telling you.

Parting ways may sting but prolonging toxic ties form deeper scars. Ask your spirit for discernment, be willing to listen to the answer and be brave enough to act upon it.

References

Cassandra Mack

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRrkfhjqOco

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ak9ZAd7OQ7k

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QkTJYPwFug

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwTjwyt7enU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Df440ZVciSA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiMWtsoJeuY

Virginia Satir

https://sourcesofinsight.com/satir-categories/

https://www.thecenterforgrowth.com/tips/family-roles-in-the-addictive-system

https://mantracare.org/therapy/therapy-types/satir-model-therapy/